"Ol' Hazel was a Nut!" and True Beauty
“Beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes clean to the bone.”
The debates surrounding beauty and what constitutes beauty are ages old. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” Maybe. I think so. Sort of. But there seem to be people who are beautiful to every beholder. I’ve known a few women over the years who have stopped everyone in their tracks. Not because they are necessarily attracted to said woman but because she is, unquestionably, jaw-droppingly beautiful. Conversely, I’ve heard people declare that no one is beautiful to everyone. My husband took a long time convincing me that he has never found Angelina Jolie beautiful. And so the debate continues.
For a couple of decades of my life, I was often tormented by what beauty was, how I could achieve it, and how I could, at the same time, remain true to myself. During the teen years, there were seasons of deep insecurities and quite destructive thought patterns. However, I am so thankful that, due to some very supportive friends and a smart mom, I did not venture very far down that path. In fact, I am about to share how my journey to being comfortable with my own type of beauty is marked by some headshaking hilarity.
When I was a camp leader in 1993 I began the summer with a thick head of long brown hair. But about halfway through the summer, I decided that I would liberate myself of the burden of caring for long hair and had it severely cropped. Think Demi Moore in the movie Ghost. An aside; it is far easier to throw long hair into a bun or ponytail than it is to keep short hair from looking like permanent bedhead.
Back to camp. Monday morning arrived and I was assigned a new group; this time 6-year olds. Five minutes into the day of adventure I realized that one of the twin girls in my group, Sophie or Sarah, was missing! Fortunately, it didn’t take long for us to locate her crying by a tree about 100 metres away. I asked another leader to watch my group while I ran over to Sophie or Sarah.
“Hey! What’s going on?” I said in a soft, caring voice. She continued to sob. I persisted, “Was someone mean to you? Are you hurt? It’s O.K! You can tell me.”
I can still see her little face with missing front teeth and blue stud earrings (her sister had red so you could tell them apart). She took a deep breath and exclaimed in the most brokenhearted voice, “It’s your hair!! Why did you cut it? You’re just SO UGLY! I don’t want to be in your group!”
Yep. Truth. I stood up, brushed myself off, and told her very matter-of-factly that we had to get moving and join our group so we wouldn’t miss archery. It was a long week.
While I have many such humbling tales, I think my favourite may be from a few summers ago. I had been at the beach with my kids and, on the way home, I decided to run into the liquor store to grab beer for the evening BBQ we were having. I was feeling like a bit of a beach bum as I had just thrown clothes over a wet bathing suit and I still had sand sticking to my feet. But I planned to just discreetly sneak in and sneak out.
No sirree! The store was busy and as soon as I “snuck” in a voice boomed at me, “I don’t mean to be an a-hole but you LOOK STUNNING today!” I looked up in horror and shock to see a grizzled older man beaming at me with an almost toothless grin. My vision got a bit blurred but I could see the staff and long lines of people trying to hold back shock and laughter.
“Oh...um...thanks,” was all I could manage as I scurried to the beer section. What the...what the? Where did this guy come from? Why can’t I ever just get normal compliments? I feel like I’ve heard it all; ugly, beautiful, pretty, interesting (that isn’t usually a good thing). Cute? No, not cute. I’ve never heard cute. Once at a party in university I, regretfully, overheard one guy tell another guy he thought I was good looking but upon realizing that I had overheard, glared at me and said, “Not!!” and stomped away. Umm...what?
But of all the wild comments I’ve heard and musings I’ve done, the most impactful commentary on beauty happened over 20 years ago on my honeymoon. This was, honestly, the moment that started to, slowly and painstakingly, turn the ship around.
After our February wedding in 1998, my husband and I drove down a very rainy West Coast to Mexico. We had a month and it was amazing. Besides Vern almost breaking his ribs on a beach in the Baja it was perfect.
One of the fun memories we have of the trip was our quest for a really good cup of coffee. It was the late 90s and North America was yet to be invaded by good coffee shops, or even a Starbucks on every corner. It was in a bizarre Californian town called National City that Vern discovered a special spot. The coffee was amazing, the cafe was cozy, but the highlight was the owners.
They were an old (authentic) hippie couple with long grey hair; the husband’s in a braid down his back and the wife’s flowing free. I asked for a hazelnut latte. Mr. Old Hippie Man surprised us with, “That’s right! Ol’ Hazel was a NUT!” And then proceeded to regale the cafe with a short story about a crazy lady named Hazel. Excellent.
Moments later we were driving away, still chuckling, and my husband said, “She was a beautiful woman.”
“What? Who?”
“The owner of the cafe. Didn’t you see her smile?”
I stared at my husband’s profile as he drove. Yes, I had seen Mrs. Old Hippie Lady’s smile. It had leapt to her face with crackling joy. But I had also seen that she was short and plump. She wore glasses and had rather frazzy hair. I was stunned. My Barbie and Supermodel infected twenty-something brain was reeling. I clearly had beauty all wrong. Was this inner beauty babble really a thing? Yes, in fact, it really is a thing.
While I’m not saying that healthy eating, exercise, and enjoying fashion are unnecessary, they aren’t the things that will achieve true and lasting beauty. Kindness and laughter and graciousness and forgiveness and humility and confidence and selflessness and passion. These things are beautiful and will attract people into your life that, well, you want in your life.
Honestly, insecurities about my appearance can still plague me and probably will until my dying day. But I have also seen significant growth and change in this area as I shift my focus. It has been crucial for me to meditate on the verses in the bible that speak of who I am in Christ and what He calls me to be. His standards are vastly different from the culture we find ourselves in.
Secondly, stop looking! What were the fashion mags of my day have become every form of social media today. It is important to avoid certain websites and avoid following certain people that portray unrealistic standards of beauty. One of my daughters started noticing how she felt after looking at the Instagram feed of certain famous women who were only posting perfectly curated photos of themselves and then she stopped following them. Not so hard.
Finally, surround yourselves with others who are seeking true, and incorruptible beauty; the beauty that is born out of spending time in worthy pursuits such as education, service, and seeking the One who created you. And then...smile.
