Summer Smoothie and Learning to Listen
“There is, I believe, in every disposition a tendency to some particular evil. ”
As you likely know, Mr. Darcy is not a man to be gainsaid and this quote is no exception. So what is my particular evil or, in theological terms, besetting sin? I would have to answer: self-absorption. Of course this is mingled with other nastiness like pride and conceit but the primary way these sins manifest for me is a complete focus on myself. It’s all about me. I am, as it so happens, writing a blog. Now before you try to soothe my conscience with cries of, “Oh...everyone struggles with that! Don’t beat yourself up!” let me tell you a little story that just may turn your head.
Just over twenty years ago I spent a wild and glorious summer in the Yukon. I was working as a nanny for a family in Dawson City (of Gold Rush fame) to earn money for my third year of university. The scenery was spectacular and the history was palpable. The streets in Dawson are still dirt and the sidewalks are still boardwalk. And the locals? Awesome. From Barnacle Bill (only the bank knows his real name) to the crew at Diamond Tooth Gertie’s; these people were the stuff of legend.
This was also the summer I became lifelong friends with Shannon. We knew each other somewhat from university but it was the hours under the Midnight Sun that cemented our friendship.
On one occasion, after putting my young charges to bed, Shannon and I were having a pretty intense heart to heart. She was confiding in me some very vulnerable accounts of a painful childhood. I started out listening attentively but then...well...I don’t know what happened. I think part of me was feeling unsure of how to respond but, I have to be honest, I think there was another part of me that was getting bored. I mean I wasn’t consciously thinking “I’m bored” but the conversation hadn’t been about me for quite some time and, therefore, my thoughts and my eyes started to drift. My roving eyes landed on a health magazine which was opened to an incredibly intriguing article. Suddenly, without warning, my mouth blurted out, “Hey look! Summer smoothies!” That’s right. A riveting piece on the finer points of smoothie craft.
Pounding silence caused me to look up and behold Shannon’s face. The look of hurt and shock caused me to be immediately aware of my grave error. The apologies and, I am ashamed to say, excuses, began to pour out. Excuses! How could I excuse such blatant self-focus and disregard for a friend. However, I was deeply relieved when Shannon started, with shaking head to smile and accept my remorse and “summer smoothie” became a code between us for years to come; both a private joke as well as a cue if either of us was slipping up in our listening skills.
This is only one story but I promise you that getting my eyes off myself has been a lifelong battle. Learning to listen. Empathy. Asking instead of telling. Thinking of others. I have had to make these things a constant study so when a friend was talking about a little book she read by Timothy Keller the title alone resonated; The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness. I got the ebook that day and by short I mean that it is actually a sermon that has been put into book form so you can read it in no time. The beautiful thing about this book/sermon is that he gives us a true and lasting antidote to self absorption: focus on the fact that we are made in the image of God and finding our identity in Him as we look to Christ. “The essence of gospel-humility is not thinking more of myself or thinking less of myself, it is thinking of myself less.” Unfortunately I am a master of turning a conversation back to me because everything relates back to me because, well, I’m thinking about me an awful lot and it’s...awful.
The rare times I have consciously sought to “forget” about myself in a conversation and, instead, have learnt about the other person I have truly experienced a freedom that can only come when we are doing and being image bearers; being who He intended us to be. Again I am aware of the awesomely loving God who brings liberty in all that He requires of us. He calls us to humility and to “consider others as more important than yourselves” (Phil. 2:4) and then He gives us joy when we finally do it.
Although I am sure self absorption will be a “thorn” for me my whole life, I am encouraged and motivated to press on and remember that “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”(Phil 1:6) And if my eyes start to drift or I interrupt you in a conversation please feel free to say “Summer Smoothie.”
