Shut Up and Dance: Survival Tips for Parenting Teens

My husband and I have never been long-term planners. We don’t tend to think ahead. When it comes to finances and making epic summer plans, this can be a severe disadvantage. However, when it comes to having children I think our lack of planning has worked out in our favour.
If we had been the type to really think things through, we would have realized that if you have 4 kids in 5 years there will be a period of time (a year and a half for us) when you have 4 teenagers at one time. Due to the dire warnings of what life with teenagers is like, if we had been “on top of things” we may have either spaced things out or even decided on less offspring...who knows? But, as you know, once you have the little darlings, you could more easily imagine cutting off all your limbs than being without even one of your children.

But the fact remains; we are 2 months away from the inevitable. Four teenagers. At once. In a smallish home. And I would like to tell you something. We are doing OK. There are even times when we are having a LOT of fun. I won’t go as far as a mom who I met recently. When I made a quip about how wild and crazy life can be with teens, she looked at me blankly and said, “Really? I’ve never had any problems with my teens.” I took a deep breath, smiled way too huge, and said, “Awesome!”

While I am very happy in this stage of parenting, I will state for the record that it is not for the faint of heart and I am thankful for all the help I can get. I have discovered, either by trial and error (lots of error!), or by advice from parents who have gone before me, a few helpful tips. I will give you my favourite five.

1. You will not be cool.
I do not care if you’re Bono or Bon Jovi. Your teen will not think you’re cool. But the thing you need to realize is that your teen doesn’t need or WANT you to be cool. I have come to believe that what they need to see is that you are comfortable in your own skin. It will give them freedom to be comfortable in theirs.
So if you love Beethoven instead of 21 Pilots then continue to rock out to Ludwig. While I do share a lot of music loves with my kids, I will never stop loving what I love and I won’t pretend to like something I don’t. Being real is the new cool. But not...wait. What? I don’t know.

2. Do not ask a teenager what music they like in the presence of other teenagers.
I remember picking my oldest daughter up after the first day of grade 10. She was telling me about her new math teacher who was, evidently, super weird. When I asked why, she decried, “He asked us to go around the room and tell everyone our favourite band!!!” Yep. This is a quick way to mortify most teens.
Years ago, when I was a rookie parent of teens, I couldn’t figure this one out but now I have a theory. I think that when you are asking a teenager for their “favourites” you are asking them to define their personhood which will then be judged and categorized. It’s a safer bet to just have conversations around music in general and see what you can discover.

3. Do NOT ever take a conversation at face value.
Ever. In the early years I can remember jumping on the emotional rollercoaster with my precious teens. Every statement becomes hyperbolic. “I have no friends!” “Everyone else has a new backpack!” “I’m going to totally fail that test!” Instead of asking a few questions or redirecting or giving them some time to sort it out, I would engage in fruitless conversations with them and then lay awake worrying and fretting. Most of the time they are looking for a sounding board rather than advice and solutions.

4. Do NOT get defensive.
There is a weird phenomenon that I observed among other teens well before mine had reached double digits. Sometimes when teens are with their parents in public, they will “out” them. Maybe say annoying things their parents will do. “Mom says she’s going to workout but then goes on facebook with a doughnut.” Ouch. I was always shocked by such poor parenting and vowed that my own children would not be so disrespectful. And then it started to happen. Humbling moment #2356. The first few times I took the bait and made two fatal errors.
Firstly, I tried to correct my teen in front of everyone for being disrespectful. Nope. That’s embarrassing. Secondly, I got defensive. Getting defensive has never helped anyone in any situation. If the Facebook/doughnut scenario is real then just shrug, sigh, and nod. You will actually gain serious respect points and have some credibility with your teen later if you choose to talk to them about it privately.

5. Even if you can’t dance you can always dance.
In the early years, me and my babies had some rip-roaring dance parties. The kitchen and living room were the dance floors and we were wild with laughter and heavy breathing at the end of it. In those moments, it never would have entered my brain that one day, as I tried to cut a mean living room rug, one of my kids would say, “mom, stop! You can’t dance!” But I’m afraid I have yet to hear of a young teen who hasn’t suddenly become horrified by the sight of their parents dancing.
You know what I did? I kept dancing. I told them I would not dance if their friends were over but, under no circumstances, were they going to take away my joy of dancing to my favourite songs. They could walk away. They could look away. But they could not forbid it. And it worked. They finally just accepted that I was going to do the weird things that I do (I really am a horrible dancer) and sometimes, the older ones, have even joined in again. Without too much grimacing.
On that note I will leave you with one of my long time faves.