New Shoes and Being Kind
““Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; the third is to be kind.””
Recently I heard a preacher talk about the difference between being nice and being kind. While nice is fine, kind is the higher and better goal that we should be seeking. Nice can smile and say the right things while kind might cry and say the hard things.
My oldest daughter and I were talking about the difference between nice and kind and she commented that nice is a shallow thing but kind is the deeper companion and means that you truly care about investing in someone. After we finished the conversation I began thinking about this girl; a person who thinks carefully before she speaks and acts. Now officially an adult, I remembered a moment when she was four years old and, for the first time, I was stunned by the depth of her quiet kindness.
Eighteen years ago our family had been knocked off course when my parents had to end their marriage of thirty-three years. I will choose to go into zero detail since most of us have been touched by divorce and even the most amicable separation is a little slice of hell. Therefore, even a year later, everyone was still very raw and navigating this jagged territory with young children was a daunting task.
It was about this time that my dad had been to visit and one of his favourite things to do with the grandkids was to take them on a shopping trip (not to a thrift store where we usually frequented) to get them something that they picked out themselves.
I remembered this particular trip very well as it had my two and four-year-old daughters squealing with delight over brand new black patent dress shoes from the Hudson’s Bay Company. I was cringing over the price as I thought of what I would pay at my favourite second-hand haunts. But Poppa-Bear insisted and the girls skipped around the house in them for days. Everybody who came over was shown the shiny new shoes. Well, almost everybody.
About a week after the shopping trip my mom was coming for a visit. Nana. One of my kids’ favourite people. As my husband says, she is really more of a third parent. The same Nana who also helped to cultivate the growing love of shoes in my young girls.
The next bit I am about to tell is tough because, well, I am revealing a side of myself that I don’t like at all. My ability to be an insensitive blockhead is really quite shocking at times. Shortly before my mom would arrive I said to my 4-year-old, “Nana will be here soon. Why don’t you go get your shoes to show her.”
“No. That’s O.K. I’m not going to show her my shoes.” Since she had paraded them around to everyone for days, I urged again.
“Honey, Nana loves shoes! Why don’t you want to show her?”
She was skipping barefoot around the kitchen (the excitement of Nana’s arrival was mounting) and said sweetly but firmly, “No, mommy, I don’t think she wants to see my shoes and I don’t feel like showing her.”
I left it alone but as I continued to work on the food prep in the kitchen my brain puzzled. And then, Oh! And, Wow! And I can’t believe I didn’t think of that! Even though we had explained as little as possible to our little girls about why their grandparents were divorced, she got it. She knew that it was still too soon to be showing off the gift from my dad to her Nana. Her Nana would have handled it graciously in front of her granddaughter but why put someone through that? That would not be kind and my little 4-year-old redhead knew that.
I was truly humbled that moment and have continued to be humbled, many times since, by the kindness and sensitivity of this girl. And, also, so incredibly grateful for the many other kindnesses displayed to me or in front of me by others. I have experienced the kindness of someone overlooking an offence made by me. I have known the kindness of a meal or yummy cookies dropped off just because someone thought I needed it. One of the most precious acts of kindness was a phone call from a friend who was in tears because she had to confront me about some tough stuff regarding some of my poor choices.
Finally, and most life-altering has been the kindness of the God of the universe who revealed my desperate need for Him. “It is your kindness that leads us to repentance.” (Romans 2:4) He has pursued me for over 40 years so that I can know His love, mercy, and forgiveness.
Being nice is charming and can make people like us for a while. But being kind is hard. Being kind means we are thinking of the other person and, sometimes, walking into deep waters where we will also need great courage and steadfastness of spirit. It could mean extending grace when someone is not behaving their best around us because of something they are struggling with. Biting our tongue. Baking cookies. Sending a card in the mail (a real card with a real stamp and all that).
Most amazing is the fact that the beautiful by-product of being kind and loving to others means that we not only elevate them but, also, ourselves. “A man who is kind benefits himself, but a cruel man hurts himself.” (Proverbs 11:17) How do you feel when you show kindness and mercy? When you choose not to gossip? When you allow your heart to break with your friend and their pain? You feel richer and deeper. What a gracious and loving God we have when all the things He asks of us lead to life and goodness for ourselves.
More than any of my other posts, this is more a reminder for me than anyone else. True kindness has not been a default mode for me but I press on to do the hard, courageous, and sensitive work of being kind.
